


C’est La Vie, Lee Donghyuck

by CultureQueen



Series: I'm Your Sunshine, My Funny (Not So Little) Valentine [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Flashbacks, Fluff and Humor, Google...how does one tag?, Hyuck is going to get better guys, Hyuck's mom is an angel, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Irene is a top notch therapist, Johnny being a supportive cousin, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Multi, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Taeyong still wants to sleep and plan a wedding, There's more stuff but tagging gets harder every time, Unconventional Therapy Practices, We're going through his whole life with this one, and she'll get some implied romance as well, and there will be many references to him and Jeno's past relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2020-06-26 06:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19762462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CultureQueen/pseuds/CultureQueen
Summary: "We're all connected one way or another. Each of us is a part of a single string in life, interwoven stories that make up the grand novel. It's a series of ups and downs that we can't really comprehend, shouldn't actually. We just have to keep living it the best way we can, with the end goal being sincere happiness no matter what."This was how Donghyuck learned to love and find himself.





	1. Prologue: It's Now Or Never

✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨

Hyuck has loved many people in his life, but there are only a few who will hold a large part of his heart. 

First, his loving parents, Darcy and Hyungseok.

Then his caring and compassionate Aunt Sophie, Uncle Daniel, and cousin Johnny.

The irreplaceable Lee Jeno.

And lastly, the wonderful, mesmerizing, and devoted Jung Jaehyun. 

With love, also came a bit of pain. He’s been with people who didn’t truly care for him or tried to take something away from him in one way or another. The older he got, the harder it became. But he was resilient and always found a way through. 

He lived through the death of his parents and the first love of his life.

He lived through terrible exes. Through separating with and losing the man he wanted to spend the rest of his days with. Through a controlling and abusive relationship with a deceiving man. 

Until he came back to Jaehyun. 

Life, it seems, always goes full circle. 

  
  


~•~

  


“How’ve you been”, Irene asked. She smiled kindly at Hyuck, putting him at ease. 

“I’ve been okay.”

“Just okay?”

Hyuck began playing with his the sleeves of his hoodie. Other than dressing for work, Hyuck doesn’t really wear a variety of fashion these days. He just hasn’t been feeling it lately.

“I...I miss him.”

“Jaehyun?” Hyuck nodded.

“I want him to do well but I also wish he was here. It’s not the same. We know what it's like to be busy and be apart for a while but this…”

“It’s different isn’t it?” 

“How can I keep a relationship going if the person I’m in a relationship with is 11,046 kilometers away?”

“It’s going to take a lot of work on both ends to keep it going. Jaehyun is very much in love with you Donghyuck. He wouldn’t want you to be sad or suffer while he’s gone.”

Jaehyun wouldn’t want that for him. Not at all. But Hyuck is stubborn and it’s hard when your boyfriend is in another country across the world. 

_“You gotta start living life for you Hyuck.”_

“So tell me Donghyuck”, Irene began, pulling Hyuck out of his thoughts. He glanced up at the older woman, meeting her steely gaze. 

“When will you start living for yourself?”

~•~

Hyuck was still thinking about Irene’s question, about how he’s put himself and his happiness away for so long. 

_“I want you to make a timeline of your life. Every happy, sad, traumatic memory you can think of, put it down. We’re going to dig deep Donghyuck. Are you ready?”_

“Quite frankly I’m not ready Cocoa but here we are,'' he said. The puppy was laying beside his knee, breathing softly. She was wearing the new ruby red collar Jaehyun bought before he left Korea. Seeing it made Hyuck miss him even more. 

“Enough of the self-deprecating, victimizing behavior. You’re Lee Donghyuck and just because you fell off track doesn’t mean you have to stay that way forever,” he whispered to himself. “You got this.” 

Hyuck opened up the blue notebook and began writing. Memories began flooding the pages. Memories of warm milk, apple and cinnamon candles, big hugs and gentle forehead kisses after bedtime stories. 

This was the beginning...


	2. Chapter One: We Knew What It Meant To Be Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She was the first person in the world that loved me and she was taken away.”

✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨

“Did you eat anything today?”

“I had lunch with Renjun earlier.”

“Are you preparing for your National Exam?”

“I don’t have to take that until September, I’ll be fine.”

“Have you written in your journal today?”

Hyuck glanced from his phone to his aunt, slightly annoyed by the onslaught of questions. He decided to move back in for a change of pace, not to feel suffocated. At least, that’s how he saw it. 

“Aunt Sophie, I’m fine.”

“Donghyuck…”

“I know you’re worried but I’m okay. Really, I am.”

It was safe to say that no, he did not write in his notebook today. Honestly, the only thing he had written out was basic information about himself. 

  * _Name: Lee Donghyuck_
  * _Age: 21 (intl. 20 in June)_
  * _Birthplace: Jeju City, Jeju, South Korea_
  * _Parents: Lee Hyungseok and Darcy Kim (screw you, Johnny, I can spell her name in English)_
  * _Spouse: Jaehyun but he’s technically my boyfriend (I think? I hope). Maybe one day we’ll get married._
  * _Favorite Color(s): Yellow, Orange, Blue_
  * _Favorite Flower: Sunflower_
  * _Favorite Season: Summer_
  * _Pet(s): Cocoa_



Stuff like that.

He knew what he  _ should _ be writing. He just didn’t know where to start. There was so much that happened prior to and during his life that got him where he was: an absolute hot mess of a man. 

And no, he wasn’t blaming every external force under the sun. Some of it was definitely things he could control (like actually going to therapy and getting his shit figured out). It just took this long to understand that. 

“I just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. I know Jaehyun leaving was hard…”

“That’s an understatement.”

“...but you made a promise to him and to yourself, did you not?”

She got him there.

“Yeah…”

Sophie sighed and sat beside Hyuck on the couch, giving him just enough space to feel comfortable. 

“You know what will make you feel better?”

“What?”

“Banana ice cream.”

Hyuck turned and smiled softly at her, leaning in as she rubbed the skin of his cheek. 

“Let’s get you some.”

~•~

_ Hyuck’s Personal Log Pt. One _

_ Based on a trusted source (i.e. my aunt), when my mom was pregnant, all she would eat was banana ice cream. It didn’t matter if it was four in the morning; she’d make my dad go and get her three scoops of banana ice cream. She’d call Aunt Sophie begging to have it sent from America but Aunt Sophie had to tell her that it didn’t make a lot of sense and the ice cream would’ve probably gone bad anyway. Naturally, mom yelled at her (Aunt Sophie blamed it on the hormones and my mom’s Scorpio moon) but she got over it once dad bought her a cup to get her to stop crying. And here I am, eating three scoops of banana ice cream as I’m writing this. 1.) because it’s good and 2.) because I miss her. _

💛✨

“Do you miss your mother a lot?”

“Sometimes. It comes and goes. She was the first person in the world that loved me and she was taken away.”

Irene studied Hyuck’s face carefully, watching for any signs of distress. There was always going to be some form of discomfort when one has to talk about their past traumas. 

“Are you fine to continue?”

Hyuck nodded his head.

“Okay. For your next entry, I want you to talk about her. Your mother specifically. What she looked like, personality, your relationship with her, anything that you can think of. If you want to use family as an outside source you can.”

Hyuck almost laughed. One doesn’t simply talk about his mother. She was someone you had to meet in person, someone who would take you on adventures and make you forget every worry because she radiated so much happiness and sunshine. She was beautiful inside and out. He was afraid he wouldn’t do her pages in his notebook any justice. 

“I get the feeling you aren’t quite sure if you’re ready to do that”, Irene stated. 

“What? Me? Of course, I’m ready”, Hyuck replied with a fake smile. 

He needed a nice long nap.

~•~

_ Early Years: Person of Interest - Darcy Kim _

_ Hi mom _

_ I’m uh, I’m going to write about you so if your ghostie is watching please don’t be mad at me because I’m trying really, really hard here ok?  _

_ So, I’m going to start off like this... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Like with most people, they hate when everyone is trying to suffocate them with the therapy stuff. As you saw, Hyuck is going through this with family.   
> -it's stressful  
> -But he's trying  
> -I also purposely changed the font for the notebook entries to look more...handwritey  
> -Hyuck's accepting some responsibility for himself in how he got to where he is (i.e. not going to therapy)  
> -the banana ice cream backstory (derived from the flashback with Hyuck's mom in chapter 21 of the last story).  
> -This will be the format for many chapters like this. In the next chapter, we get backstory about Hyuck's mom and his childhood.   
> -and chapters, for the most part, will be longer than this  
> -Comments make for a happy and productive writer and are greatly appreciated :)


	3. Chapter Two: We Can Meet Again Somewhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know she loves you more than anything. Always talked about being a mom that gave her child strength, that she would let you know every single day of your life how much you meant to her.”

✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨

  
  


_ They say that my mom was a whirlwind of red lipstick, wild hair, and a larger than life personality. She was an explosion of witty comebacks and hair-brained schemes. There were many things people remembered Darcy Kim for.  _

_ For me, she was the person I looked up to the most. She always made hot chocolate even when it was warm outside. She would sing me to sleep and take me swimming and played with school with my stuffed bears. She helped me with my homework, calmed me down when I had nightmares, and always made me feel like I was special; like I could do anything and everything in the world… _

~•~

**2004**

“Duckie, hurry up love, you’re going to be late!”

“I have to find Pooh Bear!”

“Is he not with the others?”

Darcy stood outside of Donghyuck’s room, listening to the five-year-old tear apart his room looking for the stuffed animal. He couldn’t go anywhere without it and she went through a lot to get the teacher to allow him to bring it. 

“I’m coming in okay?” She didn’t wait for an answer and gasped when she opened the door and saw the mess Hyuck made of his room.

“Donghyuck…”

“I’m sorry but I really, really, really have to find him! We can’t leave yet!”

“You’re going to be late for school sweetie. We’re going to have to find him later.”

Darcy felt guilty seeing the boy’s bottom lip quiver but she couldn’t let him miss a day of school because of his lost toy. 

“Look, how about you go to school and learn lots of neat things for me and I’ll try to find Pooh. Is that okay?” Hyuck slowly nodded and walked over to his mother, who waited for him with open arms. 

“Don’t worry my love, we’ll find him.”

~•~

Hyuck sat on the ground looking through old photos of his mother in high school. Her hair was always in two styles: a bun or untamed and framing her face. Despite the open and fiery personality his mother had, she was awkward in her stance, like she didn’t know what to do with her long limbs.

“Her posture was just as bad as yours”, Aunt Sophie said, pointing at a picture of her at a park. Darcy was hunched over and had her knees pulled in close to her body. 

“Hey!”

“Well, it’s true. I’m perplexed by the fact that you both had the most beautiful lines when you dance but in every other aspect of your life you looked like you were going to bend in half.” 

“Jaehyun doesn’t mind.”

“Just like Hyungseok didn’t.” Aunt Sophie pulled her lips in a line as she glanced at Hyuck.

“We definitely had to correct it for her wedding. Didn’t need her hunched over in pictures at all.” 

Hyuck smiled a little, knowing that aside from all the things that made her exceptionally beautiful, his mother had flaws as well. Parts of her made Hyuck and he felt a sense of pride knowing he was her son.

“You know she loves you more than anything. Always talked about being a mom that gave her child strength, that she would let you know every single day of your life how much you meant to her.”

~•~

**2000**

“You know, you’re being very calm about this”, Sophie said as she sat by the large birthing tub. Darcy was breathing deeply and gently rubbing her stomach.

“I definitely want to rip my uterus out of my body.”

“Pretty sure you’re freaking Mom out by not crying in pain. She thought you were dead when we showed up.”

“If I scream it will disturb the baby and I don’t need that.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works…”

“How are we feeling”, the midwife asked as she walked into the space, smiling brightly at the sisters. Darcy’s eyebrows furrowed as she winced at the feeling of another wave of contractions.

“Just peachy.”

“Mommy, I’m hungry”, Johnny yelled from the doorway. His little arms were crossed over his chest as he glared.

“You already ate Youngho.”

“I’m hungry again.”

“Please go feed him. I need peace and quiet right now”, Darcy said through clenched teeth. She released the tension in her jaw once her sister and nephew left, returning back to her breathing exercises.

“You’re doing very well darling.”

“Everything hurts and I’m starting to regret this whole natural birth thing, Mrs. Yang.”

“Would you like to listen to some music? It may help distract you from some of the pain.”

“Yeah, music will be fine. I actually have a few CDs in my bedroom. If you find the one with Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto no. 1 in B-flat minor I’d be forever grateful.” The older woman raised an eyebrow at her.

“That’s a very specific and interesting taste.”

“My mother said the exact same thing.” The pain hit again and she squeezed her eyes, continuing to rub her belly. 

“It’s okay my little Sunflower. You’ll be here in no time. I love you so much and I can’t wait to finally see you, my bouncy baby boy.”

💛✨

“You’re very fond of children”, Irene stated, eyes focused ahead. She walked beside Hyuck as they took in the snow-covered landscape of the park. It was a little unorthodox walking around with his therapist but her idea of counseling outside was refreshing. Even if his nose was freezing.

“Kids are great. Attending and teaching at the dance studio really helped push me towards education. That and my desire to have a family one day.”

“Hmmm. Do you have an idea of what that may be like?”

“It’s obviously going to be hard. My aunt always talked about how my mom would call her and complain about how fussy I was as a baby.”

“Even though there was a 14-hour difference in time?”

“They liked to keep in contact no matter what.”

“Fair.”

Hyuck kicked at a rock on the ground, watching it skip down the walkway. The screams of children playing in the distance flooded his ears. 

“I’ve always pictured two kids, one boy, and one girl. The girl was always the oldest. I wanted to get a nice sized apartment, maybe a nice modern style hanok in Jongno. A puppy or two.”

“Marriage?”

“Possibly. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.”

They continued walking in silence and it was beginning to become uncomfortable for Hyuck. He didn’t want to be stuck in his thoughts. It was too much, especially with everything he’s written within the past week. It was embarrassing to even acknowledge how much he’s cried in that time. 

“Your parent’s accident and the sudden shift in your family dynamics...how did that make you feel”, Irene asked, breaking the silence that made Hyuck anxious. 

“Terrible. For a long time, I hated everything. I-”

Hyuck stopped and rubbed his nose. He hated this part, the opening up and putting problems out into the air. The trauma of losing one’s parents at eight years old wasn’t easy to get over. No amount of school counseling during that time helped him through that. 

“It’s okay Donghyuck. You’ve been doing well and you are not obligated to finish.”

“For a long time,'' he began. “For a long time, I blamed them for leaving. I was so angry and frustrated that I was left alone to acclimate to a family that I barely knew. I was furious that my mom never came home.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“Guilty. Thinking about it hurts because my mom couldn’t control what happened to her or Dad. At the time I needed someone to blame and I didn’t understand the issue so…”

“You put it on the thing you knew the most.”

“Yeah.”

“You know Donghyuck, it’s normal to have those feelings as a child. Especially when we take your situation into consideration. You know that you love your parents deeply. I’m sure they know that too.”

~•~

_ Words cannot express how hurt you must’ve been Mom. I’m sorry I blamed you for everything that happened at that time. It was years ago but I never got to properly apologize for it. I don’t know if you’re listening but I hope you can forgive me, that you still love me.  _

_ I love you and miss you so much, Mom. I wish you could come back.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -It's been how long since I updated? Too long. I've been so out of it, not really proud of my work, and almost wanted to quit and delete everything. But here we are, still pushing. I don't want to leave anything unfinished and I will do my best to continue giving and creating stories for others to enjoy.  
> -So, on to the chapter: more on Hyuck's mom. We're basically getting a look into her relationship with him and how her death has affected him (and the death of both his parents as a whole). I also wanted to show the parts of her that aren't how Hyuck described her (from the perspective of other people). There will continue to be a lot of elements of memory tracking and psychology laced in some of these chapters. The next one will look more into Hyuck's current life as he is navigating it as well as interaction with Jaehyun.   
> -I know that the year says 2004 and Hyuck would actually be four here, not five. However to keep it authentic to the cultural setting I am using the Korean age system.   
> -I included the scene from Darcy's pregnancy to show how much she loved Hyuck before he was even born. I also thought it would be interesting to have her in a setting for a water birth.  
> -There is a fourteen-hour time difference from Chicago to Jeju (where Hyuck was born)  
> -a hanok is essentially a traditional Korean home. There are many modern takes on the architecture of the homes which I find to be very beautiful. There is a specific area in the Jongno district of Seoul that has many of these homes.   
> -It's very normal to be hurt and upset with someone when they die. We obviously know that it isn't that person's fault but it is a part of grieving that many people experience.   
> -And there will be a lot of Hyuck writing to people in his journal. This will include people who have passed and who are living.   
> -Comments are greatly appreciated and keep me (mostly) motivated as a writer :)


	4. Chapter Three: All I Have Are Dreams of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your mother’s right. We’ll be home before you know it.” The man chuckled at the apprehensive look on Donghyuck’s face. 
> 
> “You promise?”
> 
> “We promise my little Sunflower."

✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨

  
  


“You know you should be getting some rest right?”

“Not until we beat the other team!”

Jaehyun chuckled at Hyuck’s determination. The younger man was well on the verge of passing out from exhaustion but refused to hang up the Skype call. 

“Babe, it’s like two AM in Seoul, please go to sleep.”

“I’m not tired.”

“Hyuck, you look half dead.”

Admittedly he was very much on the verge of passing out and falling asleep but this was one of the rare occasions he got to talk to Jaehyun. It was hard for him to sleep when he didn’t have enough hours in the day to even speak. Hyuck sighed and put his controller down before fiddling with a string on his pajama pants.

“I miss you okay? I don’t want to sleep because you aren’t here and we hardly get to talk to each other.”

Jaehyun’s face fell and his heart constricted at the sad look on Hyuck’s face. He missed him too and it was hard trying to maintain a relationship when they were so far apart. 24 hours wasn’t enough time in the day. 

“What if I sing you to sleep? Would that be okay?”

The younger man nodded, much to Jaehyun’s relief. He wasn’t physically there to do much of anything but this was something. 

Hyuck adjusted his laptop so that it was on the side that Jaehyun would sleep. He climbed under the blankets and faced the screen, smiling softly at the man on the other side.

“Well? I’m ready for my concert now.”

“You’d have to pay me for a concert performance.”

“Do you accept kisses as a payment?”

“Perhaps.”

They knew that kisses weren’t feasible, at least not right now. Hyuck made a mental note to give Jaehyun an infinite amount once he came home. 

His thoughts were broken by the sound of Jaehyun’s beautiful baritone filtering through his laptop, the deep rich sound already beginning to lull him to sleep. Hyuck wanted to fight it, just to see Jaehyun a little longer, but he was tired and hearing the older man sing softly to him made the fight even harder.

He didn’t realize he fell asleep until the sound of Cocoa barking woke him up. His laptop screen was black, a result of the battery dying overnight. It left a knot in his stomach, one filled with sadness. 

Hyuck reached for his phone and felt his frown form a small smile when his screen lit up. 

  
  


_ Valentine Boy: Goodnight and good morning my love ❤️ _

~•~

_ I think you would’ve liked him, Mom. Jaehyun is quite possibly the most amazing person in the world. He’s dorky and lame but I’m certain he could win you over if you were here.  _

_ It’s weird writing this out instead of actually talking to you about it. I’ve always wondered how these relationships talks would go. _

_ I really do love him, Mom. I love him so much. I hope that one day we can have what you and Dad have. I want to be as in love with him in the future as I am now. I want to have the love I was blessed to see growing up. _

  
  


~•~

**2006**

“Did you brush your teeth?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Wash your face?”

“Mmmm hmmm.”

“Is Mr. Pooh Bear ready for bed?”

“Yep!”

Darcy smiled at Donghyuck before taking his hand and walking him to his bedroom. She watched as he climbed into bed and snuggled in his blankets. His messy hair fanned out on the pillow, creating a fluffy, curly halo.

“Can you sing to me, Mama?”

“Of course.”

She sat beside him on the twin-sized bed and pulled her long legs as close to her body as she could. Donghyuck carefully curled into his mother’s side and sighed happily. The dress she wore was a nice emerald green color and he was afraid to mess it up.

_ Late at night when all the world is sleeping _

_ I stay up and think of you _

_ And I wish on a star _

_ That somewhere you are thinking of me too _

His mother had a very pretty voice; clear and high. It was his favorite thing to hear at night before he went to bed. He stared at her in awe as she softly sang to him. 

“The babysitter is here Darcy,” Hyungseok said, tapping at the open door. Donghyuck began to pout and held on to his mother. 

“I don’t want you to go.”

Darcy glanced up at her husband. He gave a sad smile and walked over to sit on the other side of Hyuck’s bed, also climbing in. He held Darcy’s hand, gently tracing his thumb over her wedding ring.

“I know you don’t want us to leave Duckie but we’ll come back.” Darcy tapped his nose while Hyungseok ruffled Donghyuck’s mess of curls. 

“Your mother’s right. We’ll be home before you know it.” The man chuckled at the apprehensive look on Donghyuck’s face. 

“You promise?”

“We promise my little Sunflower,'' Darcy answered. His parents stood up and tucked him into his blankets before leaning over and kissing his forehead.

“Have sweet dreams my love. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

💛✨

“Mr. Donghyuck, I need help!”

Hyuck quickly maneuvered through the sea of children occupying the space backstage. It was showtime for the kids and he was hard-pressed getting 40 tiny humans ready to dance. 

“Is everything okay Jiyeon?”

The little girl lifted her foot and pointed to her ballet slipper, sniffling as big tears rolled down her chubby cheeks. 

“My slipper broke!

The slipper itself wasn’t broken but Hyuck could see why she was distressed. The strap that held one’s foot in place tore away from the rest of the shoe, leaving Jiyeon’s tiny stocking covered foot exposed. 

“Did your mom pack an extra pair for you?” His face fell when she shook her head. 

“Hyuck, the kids are on in two minutes”, Yeri yelled over the noise.

“Let me take your shoe and I’ll figure something out okay?” He held his hand out and raced away once Jiyeon put the slipper in it. Hyuck retrieved his bag and pulled out a needle and ballet pink thread, quickly making work of the materials. All that time spent learning how to sew with Mark was good for something. 

“Places everyone! We have thirty seconds”, Yeri called out. 

“Ms. Yeri, Chaeyeon keeps hitting me”, someone cried.

Hyuck ignored the incessant bickering, focused only on making sure the ballet slipper was fixed. He let out a sigh of relief as he cut the string and hurried Jiyeon over, helping the small girl put on her shoe. 

“Hurry on to your spot before Ms. Yeri gets upset,” he said, patting the girl’s shoulder.

“Thank you,'' she replied excitedly, skipping over to her place in front of the group. He slumped back in the seat, out of view from the open curtain.

“Everything alright”, Yeri asked. She rubbed his back comfortingly and Hyuck was grateful for the contact. 

“Just really tired.”

“You know if you need anything, anything at all, I’m here.”

Hyuck nodded and leaned in as Yeri hugged him, listening to the sounds of the piano playing in the distance.

  
  


~•~

_ So apparently you used to get into fights in high school. Really Mom? I thought you knew better than that (lol, just joking. Please don’t scare me). If it makes you feel better, Aunt Sophie ratted you out. She told me about the time you kicked some guy ~~named~~ ~~Todd~~ ~~Tad~~ ~~Chad~~ a random baseball player in the stomach for grabbing your butt and honestly I’m so proud. Yeah, it sounds dumb but knowing that you’ve always been so strong, so in charge of yourself... I hope that I can get even a tiny piece of that back. _

_ I don’t know where I went, wrong Mom. Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed you as a son. You told me to be brave and to be confident and proud but after everything that’s happened in life, I just felt like giving up. All I did was push things away and look where it got me: rock bottom. _

_ Wherever you are (heaven, space, the ozone layer, the great beyond, Narnia), I hope that you’re somewhere near me. I’m going to get better Mom, just wait and see. I love you so much.  _

  
  


_ Love,  _

  
  


_ Your Sunflower  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -So we're getting some light Jaehyuck interactions this chapter. There will be more in the future.  
> -I also wanted to show some of Hyuck's everyday life mixed in with memories of his parents and the journal entries to his mother.  
> -The song Hyuck's mom sings is "Dreaming of You" by Selena  
> -This flashback is also a setup for events that will happen later  
> -I've been in Hyuck's position with the ongoing tiredness. Depression can really suck the life out of you and you're always feeling tired or sleepy, even when you've gotten sleep. It sucks and if you or anyone else are going through this I want you to know that therapy and counseling do help in the long run. There is always someone there willing to help.  
> -I know I've received questions on twitter about how slow-moving this is. Going through depression and these feelings of identity loss isn't exactly fast-paced. It's a journey, one that requires consistency and trials to get through. Everything in the world (at least for me) doesn't move at a normal pace. It's all slow and monochromatic which I want to convey here for Hyuck.  
> -Drop a comment or yell at me on the bird app


	5. Chapter Four: When Everything Is Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When one of them was hurting, they all hurt. That’s just the way it was.

✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨

Renjun’s seen it all. Lived through quite a bit of this actually; enough that seeing Hyuck in this state was no surprise, as sad as it was. 

It was the day before he had to go to court before he had to face the absolute horror that was Park Hanjae. Jaehyun’s dad was helping Hyuck with his case, said everything would be just fine. However, today was another Bad Day and the way Hyuck was curled in his blankets and turned away from his friends made it more obvious. They were hesitant to take another step towards his bed, afraid they may scare him into another shutdown or anger him enough to yell at them to leave, just like he did last week. Hyuck repeatedly told his aunt to not let anyone in, including his best friends. As usual, she didn’t listen and here they were, hoping to get him out of his funk. 

“Hey, Hyuck,” Mark began. “I know you’re having another bad day…”

“Then why are you here,” Hyuck mumbled. 

“We just want to make sure you’re okay Duckie,” Yeri said sadly. 

“I’m fine,” he replied. He sounded as unsure as everyone else felt. 

“We know you don’t want us here but can we at least sit around for a little bit? Just long enough to be around you,” Renjun asked. 

Hyuck shuffled around, sighing deeply. He lifted the blankets off of his head a little, tufts of his fading blonde hair and darker roots showing. 

“Fine," he huffed. "You can stay.” 

  
  


~•~

**2012**

“Mark, hurry up before Aunt Sophie leaves us,” Hyuck yelled at the older boy. Mark was still trying to stuff his uniform into his backpack, almost tripping over his own feet again. 

“I’m doing my best here!”

“Ugh, why didn’t you already have this done?” 

“I was trying to find my glasses,” Mark cried. 

Johnny peeked into Hyuck’s room, toothbrush slightly hanging out of his mouth. He looked at the watch on his wrist before shaking his head. 

“You have five minutes before Mom leaves you. She said she’s watching practice whether you’re there or not.” 

“Tell Mark to hurry up!”

“Why don’t you help me then Hyuck!”

“Both of you nerds need to hurry up and scram,” Johnny muttered before leaving the two boys to scream amongst themselves. 

It took a bit of time (and a sock to Mark’s face) before they actually left to attend their open dance practice. Aunt Sophie enjoyed these because parents were allowed to come and see the progress their kids were making as the season went on. Donghyuck didn’t like it because his aunt and Johnny would see him wearing his practice tights. 

“Wow, you really do look like a twig,” Johnny said as he snapped the elastic waistband of Hyuck’s tights. The younger boy glared and began hitting his older cousin with his dance slippers, much to the embarrassment of Aunt Sophie.

“Will you both cut it out,” she exclaimed.

“Tell Youngho to leave me alone!”

“Stop being such a baby Hyuck!” 

“Everyone please settle down! I need guests in their seats and students in their places, ready to begin!” Johnny stuck his tongue out at Hyuck before finding a seat beside his mother. Hyuck scurried along to his spot behind Mark and beside Yeri. Ever since the new kid Renjun showed up, Mark made it his mission to stand near the boy at all times. Renjun was a small thing but could pack a punch and was quite oblivious to the huge crush that Mark had on him. Hyuck and Yeri always giggled and poked fun at him for it, much to his displeasure. 

“I have an announcement to make,” their instructor bellowed, quieting down the group of middle schoolers. “I would like to introduce to you our newest student.”

“Another new kid,” Jaemin whispered from behind Yeri, rolling his eyes. 

“Shut up Jaemin,” the older girl replied, turning around to glare at him. 

“Ms. Kim and Mr. Na, is there anything you’d like to share with the class?” 

Both of their heads bowed a little at being called out. Yeri just knew that her mother was frowning and Jaemin was already mentally preparing for the stern conversation he’d be having with his parents afterward. 

“No ma’am,” they replied quietly. 

“Good. Now, if you will all give your warmest welcome to our newest student, Lee Jeno.” Everyone began snapping and looking around to see who the new kid was. 

A boy with messy black hair and glasses that could rival the size of Mark’s shyly walked to stand beside the dance instructor. He had cute eyes that looked like little smiles of their own as he smiled sheepishly. He waved a little before looking down at his toes, rocking back and forth on his heels. 

“Um, h-hi. I’m Jeno. It’s nice to be here,” he said. 

“Hi Jeno,” the class replied loudly, startling the new boy a little. 

“Why don’t you go stand next to Jaemin,” the instructor stated, pointing at the spot near Jaemin and behind Donghyuck. He walked by, making eye contact with Hyuck and instantly ducking his head as soon as it became uncomfortable for him. His pale cheeks were turning a pink color and Hyuck could feel a flutter in his stomach from looking at the boy. 

Weird.

“Let us begin with our basic warm-ups. Let’s start with a butterfly stretch…”

They all sat on the ground and began to stretch, each child on different levels of flexibility. Hyuck was too wrapped up in watching Hyunjin from class four that the light tapping on his shoulder scared him. He turned around and faced Jeno, who was a little closer to Hyuck than previously. 

“I uh, sorry I’m bothering you but your hair looks really nice. It’s fluffy, like a cute dog.” 

“Oh, uh, thank you.” Hyuck began to blush. No one ever complimented his messy curls before, save for his aunt. 

“No problem,” Jeno replied before preparing for the next stretch. 

Donghyuck thinks he might like this Jeno kid. 

~•~

“Do you want to talk about it love,” Yeri said as she rubbed Donghyuck’s back through the blanket. He shook his head but snuggled closer to her touch. Renjun sat near his feet while Mark laid his head against his thigh, lightly tapping a random beat on it. 

“Do you want to cuddle,” she asked. Hyuck turned over a little and looked up at her before letting her crawl under his blanket and snuggled closer to him. 

It was kind of like old times, how they all used to have sleepovers in the winter and cuddle up with each other. The difference was that this time, there weren’t any movie marathons or pillow fights. There weren’t whispers of silly jokes or innocent games of truth or dare. This time, they were short a few people, one of which they’d never get to hold again. This time, they did it to comfort a friend that was lost. When one of them was hurting, they all hurt. That’s just the way it was. 

“I miss them Yeri.”

“I know love, I know.” 

“I’ve always been a mess and if they didn’t...if they were still here then…”

He didn’t have to finish his sentence for Yeri to know what he was trying to say. She desperately wanted to tell Hyuck that nothing was his fault and that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. 

For now, this would have to do. 

  
  


~•~

**2015**

“Why don’t you just tell him you like him already,” Mark said as he lightly pushed Hyuck in Jeno’s direction.

“Because I don’t want to ruin our friendship Markles. And besides, he probably doesn’t even like guys anyway.” 

Jaemin almost spat out his juice as he began cackling, drawing attention to the boys. Hyuck glared at him while Mark nervously laughed at being the center of attention. 

“Trust me, Jeno  _ definitely _ likes guys.” 

“That doesn’t mean he’d like  _ me _ .” 

“What’s not to like? You’re loud, somewhat funny, you’re kind of cute…”

“You’re not helping Jaemin,” Mark said dryly. 

“Look, my point is, you’ll never know until you find out Hyuck.” Hyuck rolled his eyes and slammed his locker shut before tightening the straps on his backpack. 

“Well, I guess we’ll never find out.” 

~•~

_ Dear Jeno,  _

_ I had a dream the other day and funnily enough, you were in it. It wasn’t anything dirty, I swear. It was me and you, as per usual, taking our daily walk through the park. Only this time, my mom was there. Jaehyun too. As expected dream!Jaehyun was a little jealous but definitely grew to love you. And naturally, my mom loved you both as well.  _

_ You already know I love you both more than anything else.  _

_ But then everything changed and mom went in a different direction, and she kept walking until she disappeared. Jaehyun’s steps became bigger and even though he was still in front of me, he was still so far away. And then there was you Jeno. You walked in a different direction and I called for you but you continued walking away, smiling that same smile of yours and looking wonderful and beautiful and perfect.  _

_ Why did you have to leave too? You said you’d always be there for me but when I came for you, you were gone. Just like mom was… _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I am so sorry. Seriously.  
> -This chapter was putting more focus on how Hyuck's journey and stresses affect those close to him. I wanted it to show just how much they care and how they take care of each other.  
> -This will also start leading into the closing of Darcy's backstory into Hyuck's life with Jeno.  
> -Everything is just sad, don't judge me  
> -I will try to update this more often. Trust me, I haven't forgotten this fic+  
> -Comments and stuff are nice :)


	6. CLV - Chapter Five: Now You’re Haunting Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Now I’m here in Jaehyun’s room wanting to self destruct. Or drink. Something. I don’t like feeling this way. Everything hurts too much.”

✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨💛✨

  
  


“I understand you’re upset…”

“You don’t say?”

“...and you have every right to be…”

“Uh huh.”

“...but after the last rebuttal all signs are pointing to this not turning out well for you Donghyuck. I’m going to do the best that I possibly can. You know Hanjae's evidence of cheating is going to be used against you.” 

Hyuck’s head fell onto the table, resulting in a loud noise and pained whine. Jinsun winced, and walked over to lift the younger man’s head. The spot was an angry red against his tanned skin and would more than likely bruise or form a knot on his forehead later on. The last thing they needed was the jury thinking Hyuck was hurting himself.

“For the love of all that is good and holy, please don’t do that again.” Hyuck looked up and glared at him as he gently rubbed the area of impact.

“I’m upset.”

“And you are allowed to be but there are better ways of letting it out.” 

Hyuck knew the older man was right. God forbid anyone saw what he did just now. He’d truly lose this case for sure. 

“All I want is some sense of peace. Freedom. Something. And he won’t let me live. No matter what, he won’t let me live and I’m so tired of it,” Hyuck said, tugging at the bottom of his suit jacket. 

“He can’t hurt you anymore Donghyuck,” Jinsun replied. Hyuck’s gaze snapped towards him, eyes big and water, fierce. Angry.

“I don’t care what we have to do. Whatever happens, I just want him gone.” 

“Okay. We can do that.”

•

_ I definitely didn’t expect this court stuff to be so hard you know? Having all of those people staring at me and judging me.  _

_ He’s scares me Mom. I know that I’ll never have to see him again but just knowing what he was, is, capable of is disturbing. You would’ve hated him more than all of the others.  _

_ I know what you’re probably thinking and no, he didn’t do anything like that. Youngho would’ve killed him. Jaehyun too. I’d honestly be afraid to see what lengths Jaehyun would go to protect me.  _

_ At this point nothing is making sense and I’m just venting. There isn’t anyone else I’d want to talk to about this. How shameful is it to be associated with a cheater Mom? I know you’re disappointed with me. On some level, I’m disappointed with myself. _

_ Maybe if I wasn’t so rash, if I just waited, they’d judge me a little less.  _

•

“And why exactly do you wish to have this restraining order granted Mr. Lee?”

Donghyuck felt like he was drowning. He was becoming frustrated with the entire ordeal. Was everything they’ve talked about today not enough? Was the fear written on his face not enough to convince this man to allow the piece of paper that is his godsend go in effect? 

“He’s...he…”

_ ‘Be thorough with your answers. If you aren’t specific, they won’t take you seriously. You’re already so young…’ _

It was a bit insulting, coming for his age like that. But these people didn’t care about the fact that he was just a young college student. They didn’t care at all and it made him even more upset. 

“He’s emotionally and verbally manipulative. He’s made several threats to me in the past concerning my future in teaching, a few of which were open ended and made me fear what he could do.” Hyuck swallowed harshly and began playing with the skin around his fingernails, a bad habit he started picking up again. 

“He’s also made unwanted and uncomfortable sexual comments and advances towards me. Many of which I’ve explicitly stated I was not okay with and wanted him to stop.” 

“Did Mr. Park ever assault you Mr. Lee?” 

Hyuck tried to pretend the jury weren’t watching his every move. 

“No. No he hasn’t.” 

  
  


•

**2019**

  
  


The space between them was minimal; expected. Kissing Hanjae was nice but that’s all it was. Just nice. He felt a little guilty that he didn’t feel anything. No spark, no emotion. Just the little close to harsh press of the older man’s lips against his. 

He tried to push the thoughts of Jaehyun to the back of his mind. How his ex’s lips felt softer. How he took his time. How his face looked between Hyuck’s hands as they held each other close. 

At least the couch was nice. 

Hyuck could feel the older man’s hand move from his hips on down. His comfort was beginning to go away and he broke away from the kiss to push Hanjae away.

“Can we um, can we stop?”

“Why? We were just getting started,” Hanjae replied, still kissing Hyuck’s neck. 

“I’m just not feeling it anymore. I want to stop.” 

Hanjae pulled away and looked down at Donghyuck, rolling his eyes before he abruptly left the younger man on the couch, grumbling to himself. 

“Where are you going”, Hyuck asked softly as he sat up, wrapping his arms around his legs.

“To finish myself off since you obviously can’t.” Hanjae continued walking down the hall, not bothering to pay Hyuck any mind.

“Make sure the door is locked on your way out won’t you?”

  
  


•

  
  


“Based on the evidence and testimonies of today your honor, we the people have found that Mr. Park Hanjae is not guilty of any wrongdoings.”

Donghyuck couldn’t hear anything after that. Time seemed to continue and stop at the same time. He stared at the oak wood desk table before him, the faint sound of Jinsun borderline arguing with the judge in the background. He just wanted to go home and crawl under his blankets and cry. 

“Donghyuck, Donghyuck sweetie, it’s time to go,” Haeun said, gently shaking him. 

“They didn’t believe me. They didn’t believe me and he’s going to continue hurting me.”

“No honey, he’s not going to-”

“You don’t get it,” he yelled, eyes filling with tears. “All those people did was judge me because I made one mistake! I couldn’t even get a restraining order against him!”

“Donghyuck…”

“This is my fault. If I didn’t break up with Jaehyun the first time we wouldn’t be in this mess and he’d still be here with me.” 

The older woman looked at her husband with sad eyes. Hyuck leaned into shoulder, shaking a little as he cried. He wept leaving the courtroom, avoiding the gaze of the man who couldn’t leave him be. He wept as the Jungs drove him to their home and into their son’s bed. 

He didn’t stop until the headache became too much and fell asleep. 

  
  


•

_ Haeun and Jinsun won’t let me leave. They’ve already talked to Aunt Sophie and now I’m here in Jaehyun’s room wanting to self destruct. Or drink. Something. I don’t like feeling this way. Everything hurts too much.  _

_ I’ve also decided to take the rest of the semester off from Uni. I can’t continue the teaching program like this. No one will hire someone emotionally unstable. I’ll continue my degree one day. Not now but, one day.  _

_ I haven’t told Jaehyun any of this is happening. He’s having such a great time in the States and he’s so happy doing what he loves and I don’t want him to worry about me. I promised him I’d do better for myself but it’s so hard when he isn’t here. I can’t lay on his shoulder or hold his hands or have him sing to me. He’s so far away and I don’t know what to do with myself. The separation anxiety really is killing me.  _

_ How does one cope with this Mom? How did you get by with the rest of the family in another country while you were here by yourself? I know you had Dad but you were still lonely weren’t you? I wish you were here to give me some kind of answer, if any at all.  _

_ Send me a sign or something please.  _

  
  
  


•

  
  


_ You always knew what to say and what to do when things got tough. You were the best one of all of us Jeno. Not a day goes by that I want to fight and hurt the person that hurt you.  _

_ I wish you were here to help. I wish you were here with me, telling me lame jokes and brushing my hair like you used to. I miss you the mostest.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I’m so busy and so behind on everything that I don’t even have the energy for chapter notes. Any questions or clarification for anything I’d be happy to answer in the comments.   
> \- if you have Twitter or Instagram, PLEASE PLEASE SUPPORT NCT BY LIKING AND RTING THE MINI VIDEOS. We want this comeback to be as successful and rewarding for the boys as possible!   
> \- drop some comments below my dudes(ettes)/peoples.

**Author's Note:**

> -HERE'S THE THIRD INSTALLMENT OF THIS SERIES BABS  
> -This method of healing is one that I personally used in therapy as a way to look at everything in my past that made me who I am and how it connects to what my overall issues are. This included all of my happy times, my sad times, the things that have traumatized me and made me stronger. This is the foundation for Hyuck's story.  
> -Which means flashbacks  
> -They will be told in chapters that I will label specifically as flashback chapters, so as not to cause any confusion  
> -Jaehyun will appear every so often in the fic but he will not be Hyuck's primary focus  
> -If you have not read the first two stories, please go back and do so as to not cause any confusion with some of the material that will be present  
> -Laids and Germs welcome to another one of my brain's creations  
> -Comments are super helpful and let me know how you are feeling so don't be afraid to drop some below. You can also yell at me on Twitter (@BreadAndQueso)


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